Parenting and mental health: Part 1 – What no-one tells you about fatherhood

Unmind Team

Unmind Team

Unmind Product Spotlight: Calendar Reminders

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Two dads, joined by a childcare expert, talk through the rarely-discussed reality of parenthood, and how this can impact your mental wellbeing.

There are billions of parents on Earth. For that fact alone, having a child is so normal, it’s unremarkable. But you try telling that to a new mum or dad. Becoming a parent is perhaps the single greatest life-change a person can go through. It's like waving goodbye to your old life, then starting a whole new one – only with 10,000x the responsibility.

Though we as a species are talking more and more about wellbeing, the mental ultramarathon of bringing up a kid can still, at times, get lost. For many, admitting the obvious – that parenting is hard – feels like weakness. And that’s especially true of fathers. Even now, less than a third of new dads take paternity leave, and while heaps of support networks rightly exist for mums (both pre- and post-baby), far fewer do for dads.

Changing that is long overdue. Here, in an unvarnished roundtable chat with a leading childcare coach, two Unminder fathers dive into the good, bad, and gnarly of parenting. Crammed full of harsh truths and insight, this blog (and part two) is for parents and non-parents alike.

Because even if you don’t have – or want – kids, logic says you’ll have a friend or colleague who does. And chances are, even if they don’t fancy admitting it, they’d love a bit more support.

Your speakers are: Matt Jackson – Unmind’s Head of US, who lives in New Jersey with his wife, Alicia, and their two kids, Madelyn (five-years-old) and Jamie (nearly three). Sam Musguin-Rowe – a London-based copywriter, husband to Victoria and dad to Mabel (knocking on two). And Natalie Costa – a kids’ confidence coach and founder of Power Thoughts, who previously led the Unmind webinar, Children: Ways to Connect.

The journey from ‘person’ to ‘parent’

Sam Musguin-Rowe: I remember being so excited, yet totally unprepared. Because you can read the books and do the classes, but until the baby arrives, you can’t actually be a parent. I remember feeling that quite strongly – a mix of nerves and sheer excitement.

When Mabel was born, it was a bumpy start. It was a forceps delivery, Vickie lost a lot of blood, and there was a question mark over whether she or Mabel had sepsis. Then, when we got home, it got even bumpier. I was struck down with a nasty bout of flu – so bad that I was delirious, and when Vickie called an out-of-hours doctor, they sent paramedics to check me over. I was so terrified about making our two-day old daughter sick that I quarantined in our spare room. It’s funny, as this was a few months before Covid hit, so wearing a face mask and sanitising everything I touched felt so alien, whereas now it’s suitably normal.

Thinking back to my mental state, for that first week I was in pieces. I’d waited nine months to meet my child, then couldn’t go anywhere near her. Even worse, Vickie – who’d just given birth, was in a lot of pain and on a whole bunch of meds – had to do everything, while I laid in bed. That really hurt, both in terms of guilt and heartbreak.

"I wanted to have kids, but nobody asked me if I wanted to change my lifestyle."

Matt Jackson: I listened to a podcast the other day, and it said that if you ask: ‘Do you want to have kids?’, the vast majority of people will say yes. But that's not the question you should be asking. The question is: ‘Are you ready to change your lifestyle?’. I wanted to have kids, but nobody asked me if I wanted to change my lifestyle. I didn’t, is the honest truth, and that comes into a lot of feelings I had when becoming a parent – I wasn't prepared to change my lifestyle. I'm still battling that to this day, in terms of understanding how my lifestyle has changed, the need to accept that and embrace it for what it is. Because I made a choice to have kids, and it’s one of the biggest choices you can ever make in your life.

It's only now, when I’ve started to talk about it out loud, through joining Unmind – and my reason to join Unmind was through mental health, my kids, and the impact that had – it's an ongoing journey to feel like a parent, and behave like one. You’re never going to be a perfect parent; there’s no such thing. But it impacted my life in realising that, all of a sudden, I'd gone from having 30 years of only needing to look after myself, to the next 21 plus years having to look after kids. That's a change I'm still going through now.

Natalie Costa: I think that you hit the nail on the head there, Matt. You know, asking the question: ‘Do you want to change your lifestyle?’. And Sam I totally hear what you say – you don't know what it's like until you're there with the real-life baby, nothing can prepare you for it. It is a complete turnaround of your lifestyle; everything changes.

"It’s okay if you sometimes feel this tug of emotions that you miss your old life, but really love your child."

I feel like we're not fed the true story of what it's like to be a parent. And if people really, really, really knew, would they question whether it’s something they want? We get fed an idea: you grow up, go to uni or college, get married, have kids. But more needs to be done to let people know what it entails.

But equally, if you are a parent and you’re grappling with those feelings, that’s completely normal. Give yourself some time. As you say Matt, you had 30 years of looking after yourself, but even that came over time, so it is going to take a while to step into these different shoes. It’s okay if you sometimes feel this tug of emotions that you miss your old life, but really love your child. You can love your children profusely, and still wish for the days that you didn't have any responsibility. That's okay.

SMR: There’s so much insight there. Although I kind of feel like we're still asking the wrong question. If you ask any person: ‘Do you want to lose 98% of your independence?’, they’d say no. But if you could somehow plug in the love you'll feel, it somehow doesn’t feel like a preposterous trade off.

Yes, you will lose your independence, yes it’s hard, and yes it’s okay to feel that way, but the love you’ll have for your child – as you watch them grow and develop, knowing you have an impact on every single facet of their life – somehow, believe it or not, it will feel worth it. I don't quite know how to square that as a public service announcement, but while I can only speak for myself, I say it’s worth it.

NC: We need to normalise this kind of conversation. Because I think the majority of people will be grappling with exactly what we're talking about here.

The mental strain of fatherhood

MJ: There are so many books about what to expect when you're expecting, how to change a nappy or diaper, how to do this, how to do that. And actually, the practical part of parenting is learnable. But what I needed was nothing to do with my children. What I needed was to better understand how to manage my feelings, and how to deal with the world around me.

The first time I had the kids alone, Jamie would have been maybe eight-weeks-old and – given he was a preemie, arriving two months early – was tiny, whereas Maddie was just over two. I said to Alicia: ‘Go out, see friends, do something’, but Jamie just wouldn’t stop crying. What I remember in that moment wasn't the frustration that he was crying, and me being upset about him being upset. It sounds awful to say this now, but I was frustrated that I was being made to feel angry. I was bemoaning the fact I had two children, I didn't want this, I couldn't do it and he wouldn't stop crying. Meanwhile, there's a two-year-old coming out from her bedroom to see if everything's okay, and I'm like: ‘Go, I can't deal with both of you’.

So, to your point, Natalie, that's what people need to be prepared for. Maybe you can teach it – maybe it's about mindfulness, or better understanding your mental health. But that's what most people don't know is going to happen, when you become a parent. None of the books I'm aware of prepare you for that.

SMR: That’s such a good point. I remember trying to crowdsource advice, when Vickie was pregnant, and all I’d get from parents – young or old – was: ‘Sleep while you still can!’. As if that was the only thing to worry about. I was definitely frustrated, because a) it was portrayed as a bit of a joke, and b) surely people can offer something beyond a boilerplate response about sleep?

"Parenting is relentless, especially during times where other parts of your life are crap or stressful."

Now, as a dad myself, the one piece of advice I’d offer – well, it’s more of a statement – is that every day will feel a little bit relentless. I have moments of real joy caring for Mabel, but at least once a day I’ll feel stressed, sweaty and overwhelmed. Parenting is relentless, and especially during times where other parts of your life are crap or stressful. It’s the hardest job you’ll ever do, and you don’t get paid for it.

NC: Definitely. It is a hard job and there is no manual or guide. Every day will look different – so your relentless today will feel different to your relentless tomorrow. Going back to you, Matt – yes, partly I think it can be learned. But, if you think about it, it's about navigating big feelings, and how you were taught as a child to navigate big feelings.

There's a lot of work out there now about supporting children to sit with uncomfortable feelings, recognise anger and feelings of rage, and be able to put some steps in place. The majority of the adults I speak with, myself included, were never really taught to sit with anger.

As you get older, you just get told: ‘You’ve got to control your feelings’, but inside it can really bubble up. And if you don't have the coping strategies to recognise those warning signs, to an extent it’s about educating yourself – and finding tools to regulate your own feelings. I don't want to simplify, because it doesn't come down to just your breath, but it’s a good starting point.

Part two delves into how relationships can change once you become a parent, and why making time for yourself is so important – for both you and your loved ones. Read it here.

Find out more about Unmind

To learn more about nurturing the mental health of your organisation, click here to book a chat with one of our specialists.