How to make self-care a priority when caring for others

In today's always-on world, it's not always easy to carve out time for your own self-care – especially when you're caring for others. In this post, we outline why nurturing your self-care is so important, and how to do it.

If you’ve ever been on a plane, you might have heard a familiar phrase when watching the safety demonstration: “Put your own oxygen mask on first before assisting others.”

In the event of the plane depressurising, this advice sounds like common sense, doesn’t it? But when it comes to prioritising your own needs while caring for others, it’s often easier said than done.

When we care for others, we’re likely to put our own needs aside. We might tell ourselves it’s temporary, and that we’ll make time for sleep, a run, or to read a book tomorrow. But the trouble is that tomorrow can often become next week, or next month. So how can we learn to prioritise our own wellbeing when we’re looking after that of others?

In this fireside chat, our Head of Psychology Dr Heather Bolton chats to psychotherapist John MacDonald. Hit play below to listen, and keep reading to find out John's top tips on finding the right self-care for you as an individual.

Unmind · Unmind Fireside E1 - Self-Care For Carers

Unmind · Unmind Fireside E1 - Self-Care For Carers

Why self-care is more than bubble baths (but it can be those too)

With a billion dollar industry built around enticing us to take more time for ourselves, the term ‘self-care’ has become synonymous with sinking into a sudsy tub, with cucumber slices on the eyes and candles aglow.

“[Self-care] is a whole lot more than that,” John notes, adding that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with a long soak if that’s what you enjoy. “I think there can be this narrative about self-indulgence, whether it's psychotherapy or self-care or in general – I think that is really unhelpful. I think of self-care as everything from the things that we do that we enjoy, to our own internal dialogue with ourselves. 

“In some ways I think of it as the relationship that we have with ourselves or the way that we engage with ourselves,” he adds. “I think all of those are an important aspect of self-care. You've certainly seen it described as having different domains and I think that that can be quite helpful because maybe there's the physical aspect but there's also the emotional, psychological, spiritual, and maybe professional. I think it is a lot about knowing your needs in these areas.”

Five ways to prioritise your self-care when you’re a carer

Whether you’re in a caring profession or juggling the needs of work, family, and loved ones, we all need self-care – and exactly what we need looks different for everyone. Here are five actions you can take right now to bolster your own self-care.

1. Understand your self-care needs

Self-care can straddle many different domains depending on each individual’s needs – including emotional, physical, psychological, spiritual, and professional. Knowing your self-care needs in each area, and when you need to nourish them, will help you feel capable of prioritising yourself.

Whether that means you spend some time catching up on your favourite TV show, walking in nature, or having a chat with your boss on where you want to grow professionally, knowing what self-care looks like for you will help you pinpoint what you need right now.

Try this: Write a list of the things you can do to nurture each area of your individual self-care needs – and tune in to what you need right now.

2. Practise self-compassion

When we’re not compassionate to ourselves, our capacity to be compassionate to others may be diminished. And research shows us that people who have self-compassion also have better emotional intelligence, are happier, and have greater social connections.

“If there's a day or a week or whatever that you haven't really been able to focus very much on yourself, you can't really do much about it,” says John. “But I think what's important is to not judge that, to just recognise that that was that day or that week and to move forward from there.”

Try this: Instead of fixating on the things that went wrong or that you found difficult, be mindful of the feelings and acknowledge them – but allow yourself to leave them behind. Try journaling these feelings and reframing them with your successes and achievements.

3. Find strength in talking about struggles

We’ve all heard the saying “A burden shared is a burden halved.” But when we’re struggling, many of us withdraw into ourselves and find it difficult to open up on how we’re feeling. 

“We have this idea of having a stiff upper lip and getting on with things,” John says. “There isn't room to admit anything else, that we can't handle it. I think there can be this whole narrative as well around emotions being good or bad, positive or negative. I do think that it perpetuates the difficulty in talking about when we're struggling. We experience these feelings and whether we talk about them or not, they're there and they're having an impact and having an impact in lots of different ways.”

Try this: Find a good time to share what you’re going through with someone you trust – whether that’s a friend, a family member, or a professional.

4. Be okay with saying ‘no’

In today’s always-on world, there are always going to be deadlines to meet, conversations to have and tasks to do – and they’re all constantly competing for our attention.

But knowing your own limits and learning to say ‘no’ can be a real act of self-care, because it means you’re putting your own wellbeing needs first ahead of any obligations or relationships. When you’re able to set boundaries and focus on the things that are more pressing, you’ll be in a better place to tackle the other tasks and deadlines later on.

Try this: Gain some perspective on things by compiling a list of the tasks you need to accomplish, and categorising them by levels of urgency. This will help you see which priorities to focus your energy on first, leaving the rest for when you’re rested.

5. Give yourself permission to have a self-care routine

Self-care can be considered like a muscle – the more you flex it, the stronger it gets. Once you’ve spent time defining your self-care needs, it’s time to fit them into your routine – and here’s where the bubble bath comes into play again. Whether that looks like 15 minutes of meditation a few times a week, an hour-long walk out of the house or having a partner or friend step in to help with childcare or any other tasks, commit to focusing on at least one act of self-care each week.

Try this: Be conscious about scheduling in your time for self-care – make sure you add it to your calendar or diary, write yourself a post-it note, or set a reminder in your phone.