Parenting and mental health: Part 2 – How relationships change, and the power of self-care

In part one we explored how epic a life (and lifestyle) change parenting is, plus how mentally exhausting it can feel. Here, you’ll learn about the selflessness of self-care, and how being a parent can rewire relationships.

How relationships evolve, once you’re a parent

Sam Musguin-Rowe: My friends don't really have kids – or at least didn't when Mabel was born, it's slowly changing now – and I would often feel so alone. Not necessarily at 3am, when changing a nappy or doing a bottle, it might be in the middle of a working day, but with no one to confide in.

I don’t think it’s about fear of judgment, rather fear of speaking a different language. If I share something about what it’s like to be a dad to a friend, they don’t understand. They don't get that parenting is brilliant, yet torturous, all in the same moment. It's not their fault, they’ve just got nothing.

Without wanting to talk too much about the Unmind platform, there have been times where the app was the only place I felt I could turn. I've listened to certain Tools or Series, or even just used the Check-In feature: ‘Feel lonely’, ‘Feel terrible’ or, a common one, ‘It’s relentless today’. That it made me feel even one per cent better is an objectively good thing. But then, technology can only do so much.

"Sometimes we feel more like co-parents – or colleagues, even – than we do a married couple."

To put a more positive spin on things, some of the best time I spend in any given week these days is doing laps around the park with a friend, Levi, with our daughters sat in their buggies. We do it most weekends, and with every step I feel better, although the exercise is more mental than physical. We vent about how rubbish our children are, and how brilliant they are, and how infuriating they are, and how adorable they are. Just walking around having a moan with a friend is priceless.

Natalie Costa: Finding connection is so important. I was reading an article recently that said when mums return to work, it's very much ‘How are you? How's the baby?’. But there was a quote from a father that said, ‘Nobody’s ever asked me how I am as a dad’. And I thought that's exactly it, because the conversation is very much on mums, and more of this conversation needs to be geared towards fathers as well.

Most men have two weeks off before they return to work. The idea we have as a society is almost ‘back to business’. That's part of the problem, but also where the solution can come. We need to start changing those conversations we're having in the work sector – as a boss, as an employee, or as a manager – as making it a priority among new fathers will slowly change the conversation.

Matt Jackson: It’s multifaceted, right? There are things we could do as a society, as a workplace, and as individuals to better prepare people for parenthood, and to better help people not just cope, but thrive.

So, to the degree that you’re willing to share, Sam, how has your relationship with Victoria changed since you became a parent?

SMR: It’s a really good question, and the honest answer is that it’s an ongoing process. Sometimes we feel more like co-parents – or colleagues, even – than we do a married couple. It's a constant relay of passing the baby, while also juggling work, home life, and everything else.

That said, what we’re actively trying to do more of is schedule nice things that are for us as a couple – even if it’s just a quick pint while Nan and Grandad have Mabel. But yeah, we’re a work-in-progress, as I imagine every couple is – parents or not. Although if there is a formula for how to bring parenting and marriage into perfect harmony, I’d love to know.

"The relentlessness you felt yesterday might not be such a big deal today, because you took that time out for yourself, and it sort of has a ripple effect."

What has your experience been, Matt?

MJ: You said you became co-parents or colleagues – that resonated. I think when we had a newborn, maybe for the first few months, I found myself looking at Alicia like the mother of my children and not my wife. What I've come to realise is that she has multiple identities, right? She's currently paused the working woman identity – and that will come back when she wants it to – but for now she's a mother, she's a wife, she’s a sister, she’s a daughter, all of those things. But when we’re in the thick of it and it’s backs to the wall, she’s the mother of my children.

To your point – about knowing to carve out time to make sure you appreciate each other for being a husband and a wife – this is so important. It’s weird, when Maddie was born I was never more in awe or in love with Alicia, but then within a number of months you can be so distant, just in terms of the previous relationship you had.

As for what the formula is, it's almost just being told the small things you just said, but from 100 different people, 10 times a day. ‘Remember to carve out time to go for dinner’. Very simple, but thank you for reminding me, because Alicia is my wife, the woman I love and adore, and that's separate from her being the mother of my children, and me being the father of her children.

Why self-care is so important, for everyone

SMR: If I can recommend one more thing, it’s spending time apart, as well as together. If I go for a run, or have a beer with a friend – whatever it is – I will come back happier. I’ll feel more connected to Vickie than had I been in the same room as her. This is especially true in the age of Covid, which is a special kind of pressure cooker in itself – we’ve spent more time together than ever before, yet I've never felt so alone. But it's important to have that time apart, even if just to remember why you love each other.

NC: Just touching on what you said there Sam, about getting time for yourself – I invite people to take micro moments of self-care. Because if you take the time out to go for that run, you're going to come back feeling better. And equally, that increases your tolerance level of what you can cope with. So the relentlessness you felt yesterday might not be such a big deal today, because you took that time out for yourself, and it sort of has a ripple effect. The term ‘self-care’ is thrown about a lot, but it really is important to do that.

MJ: The one bit of advice I would give is: try and reset your expectations at every opportunity, in terms of what your life was previously like to what it’s like now. The example I often use is vacations. It wasn't until this summer, when Maddie was four-years-old, that we went on a family vacation and I said, right, my priority is that the kids have a good time.

Previously, I would’ve wanted to find a couple of hours to relax, or not be with the kids. What a horrible way to think about a family vacation. By shifting my mindset – to ‘everything we do will be for the kids to have a good time’ – it was the best week I can remember since the kids were born.

"Try and reset your expectations at every opportunity, in terms of what your life was previously like to what it’s like now."

We planned out meticulously what we would do, with an activity each day, and the kids have never laughed so much. They had all the love and attention they needed and deserved and, lo and behold, meltdowns were at an all-time low. Nap times happened, because we tired them out. They were happy because they got to spend time with their two favourite people in the world. And then the surprising thing – or maybe not so surprising – is that Alicia and I had the best time ever, because we were all happy as a family.

Just resetting the expectation of what my vacation should be like, or what I’d focus on, made the world of difference. And I think you could apply that to going to the supermarket with your child, or going to dinner with your child. Just try and change your perspective – that’s my unqualified advice.

Missed part one? Read about the journey from ‘person’ to ‘parent’, and the impact this has on your mental health, here.

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